A different kind of post - read at your own risk.

Sometimes blogs are the keepsake diaries that we don't mind others finding the key to. Thus far, my blog hasn't showcased many of those deep or uber personal thoughts. Usually it's a recipe here, pictures there, and maybe a few zany posts. However, today I'm feeling like something different. I will warn you now that this is a tad whiny. AND overall life is really good right now. BUT I need to get it out and hope for any words of wisdom. Bear with me, people. Read at your own risk.

::swish, swish:: the faucet water poured over the side of the cat bowl as I hastily made circles to rinse it out.

Something so mundane. ordinary. routine and an idea jolted to the very front of my brain. It happened so fast, I almost felt it hit my skull in its attempt to present itself.

What if this is it?

Suddenly, I stopped the swishing and stood there as the water ran. (It wasn't a Green Earth award-winning moment) I know it's an entirely random question and quite vague. I suppose, it all depends on what "it" is.

Padding back to my room, I ambled past Emerson who thought a game of "Bite the Ankles" was appropriate as I placed his water dish down. I stood up. Looked around my studio-aparment-sans-kitchen-and-bathroom sized room. I am amazed at the clutter I can create in a small amount of time. It's trying to fit too many things in one spot. I need an office...or something. Books upon books upon books for a classroom I don't even have {yet?!?}. Clothes in folded piles, waiting to be put away...I don't because my closet has little heat and I fear frostbite in any attempt to put the clothes away. So, I pull from the piles in my laundry basket. Cat stuff here and in this corner ... oh, and how about over there.

I know I shouldn't complain as it's a free living space. I get that. However, it is frustrating at times. I think back to when I had my own place. Every item had its own spot. So, simplify, you say. Uh-huh. Right. That doesn't seem to work so well for me. I tend to be a bit of a packrat. I think I save things because I am fearful I won't remember them or what they represent as I grow older. I mean, really...I'm already forgetting things that happened last week!

I digress. a nasty habit of mine. Back to my question.

I don't know what suddenly brought this on. Perhaps it was a delayed reaction to an innocent comment made by a coworker:

Time: 5:50 pm
Place: Classroom 232

C.W.: You're still here? Hey, can I use your room for my SmartBoard class? It's almost 6. You were here at like 7 this morning. Don't you have a family to get home to? Kids?

Me: Well, I got into grading math tests! I just looked up and noticed the time. I'm packing up and heading out now.

C.W.: Don't you have to eat dinner or something? You have a family right? Or just a husband? {C.W. shoots an odd look/confused}

Me: Well, usually the Miss of Miss Angel would indicate that I am single. Ah, nope. That makes staying here late a little easier, I suppose. {smile and nod}

C.W.: Yeah. I thought you were married though. Really.

Me (in my head): Seriously? No. I'm not lying to you. I promise you that I would know if I am married...and I'm not. Stooooooooopppppp ruuuuubbbbbinnnnnnggggg it in! Yeah, no. So, feel free to use my room and I'll get outta your way here. G'night.

Another example, which I do find endearing but hard to hear over and over.

Student #1: Mrs. Angel, can you help me?
Student #2: Ugh. MISS Angel. God, get it right. She's NOT married. She's not even engaged.
Student #1: Whatever, she got* a ring with diamonds on it on her hand. So, she IS engaged.
Me: Do you mean, I have a ring? It's not "got". (pause) I'm not engaged. Wrong hand. It's just Miss. Now, let's take a look at that problem.
Student #2: See, I told you she wasn't married.
Student #1: (looking up at me) How come you ain't**?
Me: (long pause. smile.) Let's not worry about that right now. 'Kay? What question...

*Grammar is one of the skills this student and I are working on at present. It's one of my pet peeves! Like nails on a chalkboard.
**I think this time was on purpose because I have a physical reaction when kids speak this way. My shoulders raise to my ears and my eyes close in agony.

Cute because it's kids who don't really get it. Difficult because this is about the third time this year I've had this conversation.

I know, I know. It seems overly dramatic. I was a theatre major, guys. But it hit me today, as I was cleaning out my cat's dish that there is a real possibility that I will be that woman.

C'mon...

You know ~ the dumpy one who always looks a tad frazzled but somewhat with it. The hair is a bit frizzy. She says she's working on losing some weight as she stabs sodium-laden freezer food with a fork AND eyeing up the vending machine for a suitable dessert. She takes the shifts at work that people with families can't take. And sometimes it is just assumed that she'll be dateless Valentine's evening, so she could most certainly stay late. She takes immense pride in her friends' kids, has a cat or two, enjoys watching her movies or finishing crosswords. She lives vicariously through those around her or by watching romance bloom in a hokey TV show. She's happy for others' successes and tries to be a cheerleader when someone needs a boost. It's all done with good intentions.

She's not unhappy. She's good. She just wonders what she's doing wrong. or maybe she's to the point where she just accepts it and stops wondering.

I think I'm becoming her. And in all honesty, I don't want to be her. Well, parts I like...but I don't want to feel like I've reached the top of my mountain.

Realistically, I know that's not true. For instance [GOOD NEWS TIME] I was informally offered another long term sub position today! So, I know I'm not unemployed come March! I don't mean to sound like a Negative Nelly. It's just been one of those emotional days.

It's that darn what if!

What if I don't meet someone to share my life with? Don't get me wrong...I am surrounded by awesome people that fulfill me...but what about that guy. The guy that is complement to who I am and what I'm all about?

What if I don't get the chance to be a mom?

What if it's just me and my cat? Sharing ice cream out of the Kopp's container? (Okay, took that too far. Trying to keep it a teensy light-hearted!)

THIS IS WHERE I NEED HELP. Where do you meet people? I've tried the sites...no luck. I've done blind dates. AWKWARD and painful, at times.

*A fear of condiments, people! Need I say more? A serious fear. Not dislike. He removes ketchup bottles from restaurant tables because they are so disturbing to him. I could not make that up!*

Others weren't so bad but timing was off. I know that I am picky but feel justified in some ways. And I know I've let opportunities pass by due to my own fears or just plain inaction. Be my therapist for a moment! Any advice is welcome. Even = Suck it up and deal with it. or Amanda, get over yourself. You're fine. or Hey, my 64 year old Aunt Verna found this really great guy on this website. I think you just have to gather the items in the dowry list and you're good to go.

How do I get to a point where I feel like this is something I truly deserve instead of watching/living it through others? I know it's in my hands. I'm just not sure how to mold it into what I hope for and want.

I'm sure after I sleep for a bit and promise to keep my thoughts positive, all will be fine. Things will happen on their own timeline. Right? And if it doesn't happen the way I hope or anticipate, I have great people around me and no real problems at the moment.

The psychological explanation for this post could be that my birthday is nearing and I found an entire new batch of gray hairs. Crows feet are deepening and my waist is thickening. ♦ I blame age, not my inability to pull any sort of will power out of the soles of my shoes. ♦ And truthfully, the holidays, winter, birthday, and Valentine's Day always make me just a little lonely for someone to share it with.

Dang. This is a LONG post. Thanks for reading, if you made it this far.