Valentine's Day

Last year, I was taking part in a Saturday Professional Development day. The focus was writing. The majority of people I was with were my co-workers, offering a level of comfort. We were prompted to do a quick write, where you select a topic and don't stop writing until the moderator calls time. We were asked to share topic ideas. Our group ended up with child birth. We had to write from any perspective on the topic of child birth - whether we had experienced it or not.

I just recently found a folder of my writing from the last few years. The piece I wrote for this workshop seemed appropriate to share tonight. Tonight is the eve of my daughter's birthday. She will be 12 at 12:30ish tomorrow morning. She was a Valentine's baby, with a heart head to match! I can't believe that 12 years have passed. I don't feel old enough to have an almost teenager! GAH! I often wonder how different my life would be if she were with me. I can't say, really.

Please note this was a quick write with no proofreading or editing, so it was off the top of my head:

Child Birth

      It was a snowy, blizzard night in February. The pain radiated in and around my lower back. This was a bit different than what the experience had been over the last two months. Usually, I wobbled store to store viewing the Valentine window displays, rubbing my swollen belly. However, this night was different. I had just finished dressing my belly with olive oil and Vitamin E to soothe the remembering lines, also known as stretch marks.

     My mom kneaded her balled fist into my back to release the tension when suddenly there was a change. Running to the bathroom my anticipation and anxiety set in. Please be tonight...not tomorrow. That might be too hard. The day that celebrates love - so bittersweet - to see this precious beauty who I loved so much, knowing she would only be mine for four solid weeks.

     GUSH! And it happened. Calling my mom like a toddler, rather than the 22 year-old I was, made my heart flutter like a thousand butterflies seeking freedom. 

      We were off...she was coming. 

       However, with siblings gone, my mom left. And so began a comedy of errors. Me at home alone trying to get ready for the biggest change in my life so far, followed by getting stuck in mountains of snow, willing my patience and resolve. The quick and crazy trip to the hospital, the nurse focusing more on the TV birth on ER than easing me through an epidural, needing to push before it set in. 0-10 has a new meaning!

       And, then, with working through my exhaustion, fear, emotion, and heartache, everything calmed. 

        12:30. She was here. It was Valentine's Day. An my heart had never felt more complete. 

        How very appropriate.

Valentine's Day hasn't always been an easy day. In high school, it was usually a night that I worked so that everyone else could have their romance-filled evenings with their significant others. In college, it was spent pining after the boys that pined after my friends. Harumph! Finally, my junior year in college, I had a semi-romantic date although I don't recall it well. After my daughter arrived, every Valentine's Day got a little easier but is always filled with emotion and a lot of reflection. It was a day that I held my chin up high and proved to myself that I could handle it. Finally, last year, I had found my forever Valentine. He makes it easier in every way. He puts a smile on my face, kisses my tears (none yet today!) on days when I get overwhelmed with emotion about her, and listens as I recount the feelings I experience every year. This is only one of the millions of reasons I love this man.

I'm thankful to have the relationship I do with her. Steve, too, has begun to develop a relationship with her as well. It's one of the most amazing feelings when the two of them are together and I get to observe. They have become fast friends and I have a feeling that there is a little tween crush developing. Some people's response to this is, "Like mother, like daughter" or "Well, she's got good taste!"  Neither of these sentiments are reassuring. I'm still learning how to deal with her little crush.

Anyhow, every February 13th, I experience a heaviness in my belly and a little squeeze around my heart. A reminder of the journey I began so long ago. The journey of highs and lows, twists and turns. Through all of the different stages, one thing has never changed.

Valentine's Day 2000 breathed life into me. It fulfilled a dream to become a mother. Although it's not the most conventional form of being a mother, it's one I wouldn't trade for anything.

Thank you to my sweet girl who showed me what real strength, acceptance, and love are. Thank you to her parents for not forgetting that this day is meaningful to me too.

My heart is filled to the seams.

Happy Valentine's Day, all!