So, with the onset of summer, I spent a lot of time working on curriculum for next year, fixing up my Professional Development Plan, attending a powerhouse conference on writing, and then processing all of that information. As I flip through the calendar pages of my planner, I realize that August is creeping up and I don't feel any more prepared for the year ahead of me.
Do you ever feel like you are just blank?
I struggle to feel witty, thought-inspiring, current, or analytic on the levels I crave right now. I could certainly blame the fact that I've been a little down and out since surgery on Friday of last week...but noticed it before then, even. I feel like I'm not mentally working at a level someone who has my education/experiences should be. I don't feel smart, eloquent, or provoking. I love reading the work of good writers and wish I could be as profound, concise, or simply more entertaining!
It's not for a lack of inspiration in my life. I am in love with someone who makes me laugh constantly and it's refreshing. He and I have great and serious talks about life, goals, and how fate was really pulling for us. The change he has brought to my life still knocks me for a loop. Not only do I have Steve, but my wonderful group of girlfriends that keep me thinking, true to myself, and certainly in tune with one another's lives. There is nothing better than a good girl gab session! My family is awesome. I love spending time with them. They are supportive, fun, and keep me on my toes. I'm surrounded by inspiring incidents.
For example, my neurosis and varicose veins brought us to Urgent Care this past Wednesday, having me convinced that a blood clot had broken away and was traveling to my lungs as I sat and watched Master Chef. I am fairly prideful and always dread being "that patient" that overreacts to things. However, it was mentioned that if I had any sensitivity in my legs to seek attention because I had been under anesthesia for 3+ hours. In my defense, the doctor on call said it was smart for me to come in just to be sure.
Although I know it was the last thing Steve wanted to deal with after a long day at work and five days of taking care of me, he went with me and held my hand. Not only did he know how to calm me down so that my face didn't look like a ripe watermelon glistening with fear-laden sweat, he had me laughing so hard that I was sure my nose surgery would be completely undone. I don't even remember what he was saying or doing but I literally thought my nose would fall right off! Good news: No clot! No immediate danger! However, something about my blood test had the doctor suggesting that I might need to watch this in the future. Good to know, I suppose.
I am certainly not bored in my life, so what gives?
I think some of it is prompted by reading other blogs, books in general, and coming across old papers of mine. At one point, my mind was sharp and analysis was fun. I wrote papers analyzing the likes of Toni Morrison and Oscar Wilde. I dove deep and connected themes, critically surveying a piece to caress each peak and valley of the words' topography. I can't imagine thinking that deeply right now.
Does it come back? Does that level of thinking come back? How?
Even journaling seems daunting! And right now, this very moment in my life I'm living some of my greatest moments yet. Moments I'll want to remember, moments that will call from me behind the cover of an old journal in years to come, moments that I'll love relaying to my kids someday, so...
I'm hoping once school is up and running, it will ignite that passion for critical thinking and pushing my own boundaries.
Any suggestions would be welcome!
See that? Even this blog post lost steam. What the hizzle? I have always felt that I could hold my own as a clever person, smart and fast with words. Not so much lately.
*sigh*
Speaking as someone who did in fact have a blood clot in her lung, it is VERY good that you were better safe than sorry. That is just not something to be messing around with. So glad to hear it turned out to be nothing. And yes, it is very good knowledge to have if it is something you could be at risk for in the future. Sorry, I know this wasn't the main point of your post--it just hit too close to home for me. You might consider a daily baby aspirin. My hematologist insists everyone should. :)
ReplyDeleteRE: the thought provoking elements in your post, I think life just has a way of getting in the way of deep thinking. Takes active effort to keep sharp. If you've noticed it, you're already one step closer. Daily (m-f) blogging has helped me. So does reading, a book club, and just in general pushing myself. Perhaps a writer's group would work well for you? Find a contest to enter so you have a deadline? Good luck!
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ReplyDeleteFunny you should say this, Amanda. I've gone through times were I've thought I was losing my academic edge and found that taking a class and pursuing my master's was presenting the challenge that I needed... other times, it was finding the right book to keep me invigorated and mentally challenged. I'm sure you'll figure it out. Sometimes, it doesn't hurt to let life take you were you need to go, and sometimes that involves people and life-changing events rather than just writing things down.
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