Um, yeah....not sleeping will do this to you.....

So, I really should be fast asleep but I can't seem to get there. The sound of night is creeping through the screen while the hum of my computer lends a soothing lullaby of sorts. However, here I sit wide-eyed and my mind a-reelin'.

Do you think we ever really hit our stride in life? Do we ever catch up on all of the things we have to, want to, hope to do? I can't help but wonder. Daily, I make mental lists that quickly fade into the gray of my brain, never to be seen again. So, I try to move those thoughts to post-its as quickly as possible, which ultimately get stuck to the back of a binder that I will put on a shelf, covering the note. So, I write another and another...only to find I have now enough post-its with the same notes scratched on them that I could wallpaper Versailles. All of it. So, have I really caught up?

I know this is one of those random posts that I throw out there every once in awhile. Go with me if you want...or check out "upside down writing" on Google...probably a little more entertaining. No, seriously, check it out. Good times.

Here's the nexus of these dribbles of thought: LIFE. You guessed it! Life. Did you think I was going to go somewhere deep with this? No, no, my friend! Anyhow, life. It is such a mystery...and I don't mind that. Honestly. But perhaps the mystery part could be reserved for only a section and not the whole thing.

Let's review the current brainbusters:

SCHOOL: LOVE my job. So much so that I might marry it. Seriously. I spend more time at school than I care to share! It's a relationship, which can't be healthy in some ways.

Am I tired at the end of the day? YES! Is it worth it? Most days, yes. I am not going to say every single day is peaches and cream because that is simply unrealistic. I love my class of kiddos. Of course, there are a few kiddos that provide me with a challenge, but it wouldn't be a normal classroom if I didn't have that here and there. The group of people I work with are really diverse in experience, philosophy, personality, etc. It's a refreshing atmosphere to be in.

We are at the middle point (in about 12 hours from now) of the fourth week. Time is zipping by like a Jetson with a jet propulsion pack. I can't believe it's almost the end of September! I feel like on a general basis, I am doing the best I can for my class. With confidence, I proudly say that I would bet that most of my kids leave my room having learned at least SOMETHING over the course of the day. In most cases, more than one thing! I know that sounds silly...but it was one of my greatest fears.

*What if I can't do what I need to do for these students?!?*

So far, so good...I think. It still hasn't completely hit me that this is MY job. I mean, I know it is...but I guess I still feel like it's a long term subbing or something temporary in nature. I am excited that's not the case, but I still have to get used to it. It's my name on the door, after all! I suppose for a first year teacher (even with subbing experience), it's completely normal to feel overwhelmed at times. However, I always hoped that I could be organized and in control enough to not let things faze me. Harumph! Can you see the control freak side of me coming out?!?!

This is the point in life where I have to learn to say, "Let it go!" I, by no means, am perfect...but at times I strive to be. It's an unreachable goal begging for failure...but I'm a glutton for punishment, I suppose. Of course, there is that little iota of "I really want to impress 'them' with everything I do". IMPOSSIBLE. I need to remember what I tell my students! Focus on the effort and pair it with the knowledge you hold, and success will be yours! Success does not equal perfection. Rather, it's the journey on the path to perfection which is analogous to Oz. Is perfection really that terrific or is it our flaws that make the journey more exciting? Phew...I'm rambling. Like I said, I just need to get it out.

LIVING ARRANGEMENTS: This one is tough. I've had so many people offer ideas, suggestions, and actual living space! However, right now I can't fathom trying to move or set any of that jazz up. Apartment, condo, or house? Each has its advantages and each has its disadvantages. I am so thankful for the opportunity I have right now to live at my parents, virtually rent-free (to be changing soon). It does make it a little hard to plan social events, get-togethers, or invite a gentleman over for perhaps a dinner and movie.

Don't get me wrong, my parents are more than willing to hightail it out of here if I wanted to have people over. BUT it's still awkward because this isn't really MY house/space. So, I guess a little part of me wants to feel that ownership -- and to take all of my furniture out of storage. Oh, and I'm being a bit snooty about this too. If I'm going to get an apartment, I want it to be a nice one. I've lived in enough gross, mouse-infested apartments in my lifetime. Is it so wrong to want something that doesn't smell like sweaty armpit mixed with black olives? So, on top of being indecisive, now I'm going to be picky. Brilliance, right here folks...step right up!

UNIMPORTANT THOUGHTS THAT WON'T DISAPPEAR: There are too many to really list them all...but I can start with a few.

1. Motivation. WHERE have you gone? Once upon a time, I had this incredible motivation that never seemed to stop. It's gone missing. Not all of it, just some. It's the part where I can go, go, go and not feel as tired as I do on a continual basis. This seems to be more settled in the personal aspect of my life, not really at school at all.

Tied to motivation:
Weight. We've all been there or at least most of us have. I am not writing this for any other reason than to hopefully drum up some accountability on my part, as well as get some of these thoughts out of my head before they sear into the depths of my brain. For instance, if I mention my goals, dissatisfaction, etc. on here, then maybe I'd actually be ashamed enough to do something about it in a more aggressive way.

I'm already embarrassed. You should see the group of people (within my age range) that I work with! They are all athletic, in shape, cute and teensy gals. It was the same at my school last year. The gals on my team were these adorable women, with not an ounce of fat among them. They work at it, I'm sure, because they are both seem quite athletic. But I always felt a little self-conscious and am starting to feel that way again.

Sometimes it's just plain frustrating. I hate feeling like the "fat girl" on the block. Some of it is certainly exacerbated by the fact that I am now 22.5 pounds heavier (as of this evening) than I was on my 30th birthday less than two years ago. How does that happen? How do I not notice this?!?!!?!?!?! Granted, the means it took to get to that point, a few years ago, were probably a little obsessive, but I still got there. This time I want to do it but in a healthy (mentally, physically, emotionally healthy) way.

**Can I just tell you that the thought of publishing this with the information I just disclosed is making my heart jump into my stomach, as well as a quick burst of tears to my eyes. Problems? Probably.**

Why can't I just get it under control? It's not like I have a medical condition that is causing it or that I recently gave birth to a darling bundle of joy. Nope. It's just me being lazy, eating poorly, and not taking the necessary steps. BUT like I said, perhaps I'll be embarrassed enough now to make a change, right?!? The sad thing is that this consumes the other part of my brain that is not taken up by school stuff. I think about it all the time. What do my students think? Am I embarrassing to them? I told you it's ridiculous...I can't help what pops in my brain though.

I know I can't be alone in this. I just wish I could be better, I suppose. I am just not a fan of my body. I know it is ungrateful, as mine is a working body (for the most part - lower back is a little tricky) and I should truly count my blessings. BUT if I'm being honest, I'm not a fan. Even at my skinniest, there was only ever one area I liked...and that's gone to visit the firepit below. Also known as H-E-double hockey sticks.

I think, too, that with being single, I tend to focus on it even more. Not that being married gives you full reign of the Ponderosa dessert buffet every day(?!?!) But in my eyes, I guess it means that 5 pounds is accepted a little easier because you are happy with the person who loves you for you. It may be a bother, but it's not something keeping you from your relationship.

It becomes a cycle. It's ridiculous but true. Let's say I go on a date (not out of the question...I've been on a couple the last month or so) and never hear back (this too has happened) from them. I automatically think it's because of my outward appearance, then maybe something I said or did. {Amanda's Brain} He probably didn't think I was skinny enough. Don't hug him...what if he feels all of that nastiness around what used to be your waist. God forbid, it be that I'm just a basketcase. OR that my personality just isn't as exciting as it could be. OR that there just wasn't that spark. OR that I am married to my job and honestly don't give enough of my time up. Then I get a little bummed about STILL being single while most of my awesome friends have been married for YEARS and have started their families. Something I so badly want to experience someday. Don't worry, I'm not filling out application for Mail-Order Grooms...yet.

Wow, I really am neurotic! I guess I didn't realize how much until I started typing this. I just need it off of my chest for right now.

Honestly, does this just sound messed up? My fingers are numb and I have to be up in about 3.5 hours. So, I guess that's my big fat rant. I didn't even finish with the thoughts funneling through my head still.

I guess, dear reader (yes, the one person I know will get through this post)...my question for you is how do I tackle this? It's not about joining the right gym, diet plan, matchmaker program, or professional organizer of brains right now. First, I need to find how to ignite the motivation again. In a healthy way. Any and all suggestions welcome...